Borderline Normal

There comes a time in your life that you look back at things and you realize how all the dots connect. The chaos and the sweetness to your life that at first glance look like graffiti but when you look closer--you see it's a work of art---in all it's flawed glory.

For the first time in 5 years Casey scored at the "borderline normal" range for her short term memory quiz. I know this sounds absolutely crazy to some but she can essentially be Dory from Finding Nemo ...at times. A diagnosis none of us wanted to hear in 2011 but it is clear as day when you talk to her sometimes.

She talked to the doctor alone for a good 20 mins. Then she chats with the nurse and I get to talk to the doctor alone. Today he didn't ask me how she was doing from "Mom's Eyes" he said and I quote "That girl spent 18 of the 20 mins talking about dance. She's in transition but this I will say--she smiled, she laughed, she cried and then with a confidence I have never seen in her she said this (and he played back the tape for me).

What I heard come from my daughter brought me to tears. "Miss Jenny tells me all the time "YOU GOT THIS" and I believe her. My silver team has my back even when we get on each other's nerves and the whole COMPANY like 40 girls all try to be friends. If I'm sad or worried someone always asks me if I'm ok. They help me with the choreography and remind me I can do it. They are like family to me. I want so much to have the little girls look up to me and I hope some day they do. I know I'm not the best dancer but I'm better than ever before because of Miss Jenny's Dreams"
I had to make him stop the recorder. I was in tears. Took me a good few minutes before I could hear her finish talking about her teammates and what she loves and what makes her happy and where she knows she struggles. The doctor goes on to say "all that choreography can help her brain retrain itself some and clearly it's working..not to mention she probably destresses a little there and overall it's NOTHING but good for her"

People often complain about the cost of their kid's hobbies. The expense of something that to them doesn't seem a worthwhile cause.

Dance isn't about competitions or winning medals. Don't get me wrong-- you want to see the kids rewarded for their hard work but for Casey it essentially is part of her therapy. It is the biggest part of where she draws her confidence from and even when I can see her "sitting" out aside from her team -- the lonely one it's because she's watching, taking it in and sometimes it's because she is LITERALLY doing her dance in her head before it's time to take the stage.

Today I left Lurie's Children's Hospital with a good cry, a new perspective and nothing but gratitude for Dreams and every single person that is involved in it.

Our "normal" is so different from everyone else's but for the first time in a long time..."borderline" normal felt amazing.

I honestly can't express my gratitude.

Most Wonderful Time of the Year?????

There are days I question this description. 

Days when I'm stressed about where to put the Elf on the Shelf; days when I can't figure out how I am going to finish purchasing gifts let ALONE wrap them; bake, take my daughter to see some type of lights display; watch all the favorite holiday shows and still go to bed at a decent hour.

Every other year my immune system decides to go on strike and I usually have the nastiest head cold of "20xx" (insert random year here).

Yet still I forge on with a 1/2 happy heart. Attempting to make Christmas everything magical for my family especially the ever growing 10 year old.

I've developed strength in the last 2 years, perspective, persistence and a new attitude courtesy of Elsa and Anna that makes me feel like Sybil.

One minute I'm all zen and "Screw that, let that shit go and do your own thing---no one will notice if you don't bake 10 dozen sugar cookies this year or even spell names correctly on the gift tags" feeling 10 feet tall and bullet proof when I say it like I LEGIT have my shit together...

30 seconds later---I'm a crying mess of a Mom creating 17 pinterest boards, scheduling no more than 2 hours of sleep for every night from now til December 26th so I can bake, cook, craft, wrap and basically be Suzy Q Holiday Snowflake even though---I get zero joy out of it plus the hell head cold from burning the candle at both ends.

So this year 2015---is the year I take my mental health and well being back.

As of today:

I have already contacted another Mom to ask if she's doing a teacher collection
--cash donation --Check

I have scheduled Zoo Light Night with one of my best friends and her family
--Check

I have semi-decided on a day for ice skating and lights (which both my kids adore)
--Check

I have a day for my son and I to watch our annual Holiday Movie
--Check

I have made my "baking" list and taken it down from 10 varieties to possibly 3
--People love my banana bread --Check

I have found out that my family moved up Christmas to accommodate us all being in the same state
--Awesome and not--gotta be ready a week earlier but now a low key Christmas Eve--check

I have decided gift bags are my friend
--Simple as shit--check

My holidays this year will be about our traditions.  Not about what I bake, or how many parties we attend or what the presents looked like--or even what they are.  I won't worry about place settings or napkin designs or any of that stuff---truth be told I do not care if we eat pizza from the box as long as my family is together.

This year it will be about my family, my friends and my moments that I KNOW I can't get back. 

So this year...will be the most wonderful time of the year because I choose hope and joy.

Inspiration in Obvious Places

Sometimes I'm not witty enough for a comeback in the drive thru when someone is being a complete douche nozzle so trying to keep up with a blog seems daunting. I am not that funny...(my husband would love that because he's a lot like Chandler from Friends--he has to be the funny one)

Then I remember...I'm me---

I work 60+ hours, have a pre-teen daughter, a grown son, an ex-husband, cray cray running through my veins and I run a Weight Watcher forum with 30,000+ members...I CAN do this.

There was a text I got from my sister--which by the way is her own version of hot mess...but she's a BADASS!  Love you Shannon...

and also a good sweet friend from my childhood to remind me that I may not be the funniest, smartest or logical person at any given time but I am me, I am worthy and I have something to say. 

You'll scroll down this blog to see there isn't much there..I go in and out.  Over the last few years I had a very ALL or NOTHING mentality.  If I couldn't give 100% and blog nearly everyday then it wasn't worth it.

Guess what, not so much anymore.

I will simply blog as I see fit.

I talk a good game on my Facebook about raising a "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar" daughter.  Over the last year I have developed into a good example of that...in certain places...perhaps this blog is the next step.

So you--yeah you---go out there and don't forget to be awesome!  Even if you get 2 steps and go flying flat on your face. 

Do your thing, be you and even if you reach just ONE person ---you make a difference.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" --My Mom used to say this to me LONG before it became a Book about it all being small stuff...and to some extent it is true.

If you have an income, your health and your family is safe---everything else should be secondary.

However, so many of us get so caught up in that first one that everything else falls to second, third, fourth...and so on down the line.

I recently started following : http://www.handsfreemama.com/

She is awesome to read.

She reposted to her FB account a blog about summer and contracts and "being in the moment" along with a list compiled BY other kids of things they wanted from their parents.

I read it this morning.

I had a good cry.

You see those memes float around FB "Behind every great kid is a Mom pretty sure she's screwing it up"

That is me.

A lot.

We make commitments in the best interest of our kids.  Soccer, baseball, dance, play dates assuming it is always what is best for them. Engagement, activities, social experiences.

Sometimes and MOST of the time--what is best for them is US; their family. Their parents dialed into them. Listening to them.  Yes, even when they are repeating a story for the 7th time.  Even when it's Fish Hooks cartoons you have seen 10,000 times if you ask "Can we watch something together?"

One thing on this list from kids was:

"At dinner talk about what we could do together on the weekend"

I get to admit a huge failure on my part.  Well partially on me.  We have a very small house. A house I love and adore but it is a very small T-shaped galley kitchen.  Their is not enough room for even a small breakfast nook type table.  We recently put a desk there to make it an area we all use but there is no place to sit down and eat dinner as a family.  For the summer when it's nice out we can and DO sit out on our patio furniture and eat around the table and talk.  The rest of the year NOT SO MUCH.

I feel like I should have come up with some awesome idea to rectify this situation.  Some high tech moving wall where furniture appears from the floor like in the Jetsons cartoons.  Some crazy crafty idea from Pinterest (although I feel incredibly intimidated by that site with all my shortcomings).

I realize I have nothing. In the 7 years we've lived in this house we rarely eat dinner as a family around a table.  I suppose we've all gotten used to it but as a Mom I struggle with this.  I slave fairly hard in the kitchen to make awesome dinners and well--- I feel like I should get to look in the face of the people enjoying it while they are eating it.

This has been bothering me for some time.

This is something I need to try and figure out a way to fix.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite TV shows where the family met for dinner once a week, every week-no matter what.  Perhaps that is something we could consider.  Something where we take turns selecting what's for dinner, making the dinner...just once a week.

But then the perfectionist in my head says "Is once a week enough?"  I mean we're not some big family of 7.  Most of the time it's just the 3 of us.  With Kyle away at school that's the way it is.  Is once a week for a sit down dinner enough?  No tv, no phones, nothing to distract us if we went out to eat. Just us and dinner.  Quality time.

Then the planner in me says "with hubby's work schedule can we stick with it"  the worst feeling in the world is giving up on something before you really get to it.  I feel worse trying and failing than if I just sat on the sidelines in denial.    Can we stick with it? 

The flip side of my planner type A says 'Well we can move the big chair in the living room back, bring in the big card table and YES..have a family meal"  This production could happen once a week, why not?

Then I go back to "Can we stick with it?"

Then I re-read the blog, look at a picture of my daughter on my desk at work--then a picture of my son both of them staring down birthdays of age 9 and age 22 respectively and I think..."We HAVE to try" 

Time went so fast with my son and it's time I'll never get back.

I need to make not just summer "low key" and family oriented but I need to make more memories during the hustle and bustle of the school year or I'm going to be sitting here 10 years from realizing " I blew it".

My kids...whatever their ages..deserve more time.

Just one question....

Have you seen me and Wonder Woman in the same place at the same time?

The answer is no.

Want to know why?

I am not Wonder Woman.

I'm me.

I'm a Mom that dreads parent teacher conference because I'm worried I might drop the F-bomb.
I'm a wife that feels like she can't do enough to be there for her husband.
I'm a sister with siblings that I feel like I barely talk to, barely see and miss their laughter.
I'm a full time worker that puts in so much time I feel like I live there.
I'm a daughter with parents that live out of state and I miss them every.single.day.

I see these e-cards all over the internet:

"I am woman, hear me roar"
"I kick butt in heels, who's next?'

And I look around for my invisible jet to hop in and have it fly my ass back to reality.

Want to know why?

I feel like a failure as a human being about 2 out of 7 days a week.

• Like when I forget to send my daughter's reading log back to school.
• Or when I have to ask my husband to pick up dinner on his way home because I haven't been to the store.
• Sunday nights when I realize the whole weekend went by and I never called my brother to tell him I love him.
• When I write myself a "to do" list at work and at the end of the day I realize I  only got 2 things done.
• Or when I spend a whole weekend with my Mom and the minute she leaves I realize once again I didn't take a picture of her and I together.

I have friends that are super excited for the holidays.  People that planned way ahead and have their trees up, their lights up, travel plans, cooking for 10, etc.

I'm lucky if come Thanksgiving morning I can find 2 matching socks.

I don't have a baby -I have a son in college and an 8 year old that dresses herself, feeds herself, completely self-sufficient.  So why is it such a challenge to get things accomplished?

I have a book I started a month ago---it never takes me this long to read a book.  Especially not one from my favorite author.

I'm not Wonder Woman.

Sometimes it takes every ounce of energy I have to get through some weeks without getting take out every night of the week.

I have learned to embrace me in all my flawed glory.  My scars, my fears, my imperfections.

I'm a Mom that would lay down my life for  my kids.
I'm a wife that loves her husband more today than I did the day I married him.
I'm a sister that will talk off anyone's ear that will listen about how AMAZING my siblings are.
I'm a full time worker that works ridiculously hard for her company to the point of exhaustion.
I'm a daughter from incredible parents that I owe everything I am to their amazing examples, their support, their love and their direction---even when I fought their guidance.

I'm not Wonder Woman.

I'm just me and today I've decided; that I am good enough.

The "Collective" We

I have been staring at this screen for some time; I think as a writer you get the inevitable "block" or you get so many ideas in your head at the same time they are like voices you can't turn off. You end up feeling like the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz.  "That way, no that way---if I only had a brain".

Random thoughts have been running through my head for a week or so and the only thing that has helped has been the onboarding of Nyquil just before bed time (for my nasty cold) and it helps to shut  down the brain. Double WIN!

I read one of those great "10,000 freeze ahead meals" blogs that caters to Busy Moms.  It was an awesome post---and then I read the comments and (insert scary music here)---I started to get really upset. Other Moms were on there claiming their relationships were 50/50 and how offended they were that it didn't say "busy parents" etc...a few men chimed in claiming to defend "strong women" and how strong women comfortable in their own skin wouldn't be offended etc...another man chimed in as the "kept man" which I also found strangely derogatory in it's own right.

I found all this horrifying yet interesting.

My husband and I are partners but I will never go as far to say "We are 50/50 partners."  It's just not possible.

The first time I heard that collective "We" that bothered me was from my OB-GYN when I was pregnant with my first child.

Walk into the office and he smiles big "How are WE doing today?"

*Looking around*

"Who is WE?  I am the one carrying this baby through the summer, I am the one who can't see her toes and has to pee every 10 minutes. I am the one that is swollen and has cankles.  I don't know how YOU are doing...but I AM pregnant and unhappy and how long before I can have this baby?" This was at about 38 weeks.

He never said "WE" to me again.  Poor guy.

NOW---back to this husband and wife collective "we".

My husband GOD love him...is an amazing man but we are not 50/50 partners.

For years he worked retail hours.  Nights, weekends.  I did almost 100% of the kids stuff, homework, bill paying, social calendars, sports committments, housework, meal planning, grocery shopping.  On his occasional day off he'd do some laundry.  I was insane.

We solved that by getting the most fabulous cleaning lady at the most ridiculous affordable rate.  Every other Wednesday we both fight to get home first so we can walk in the door after she's been there. She was a God send.  If she ever retires, I will be sad.  

So are you keeping track?

Wife 80%
Cleaning lady 10%
Husband 5-10%

That's pretty much where it stays. For almost our 10 years married.

This past May my husband finally gets out of the retail arena and into a more Monday -Friday gig like me.  Suddenly weekends are free, he's home some nights to pick up from dance, help with homework, give baths, etc.

We STILL do not get rid our cleaning lady.  She is still a God send and I won't sacrafice her. No way, no how.

Husband is helping with chores, he's around to co-parent, I even find time to read a book?  What is this about?  Am I losing status as SUPER MOM? 

Keeping track still?

Wife 70%
Cleaning lady 10%
Husband 10-20%

My job is very demanding.  It's time consuming and it's exhausting.  Some weeks I'm just too darn tired to realize HOW stinking tired I am.

We try and squeeze the most into every weekend as a family because for 10 years we haven't had these. Sunday nights we sit around to watch the late football game and my husband and I look even more tired than when we NEVER saw each other on the weekends. 

Starts to dawn on me that no one can give 100% all the time. 

That's what true 50/50 partnerships are about.

When I'm at 70%, he steps up and points out that (2) take and bake fresh pizzas cost as much as 1 pizza from the local pizza place BUT with our buy one pizza get one free COUPON--HE can pick up pizzas on his way home from getting our daughter from dance class.    No cooking for me!

He'll come home and randomly do the dishes or start a load of laundry when his job isn't sucking every last ounce of energy he has. 

In turn, I try and step up my game when the heat is on him at work.

Does it drive me nuts that he leaves the wrappers from the dry cleaning in the bottom of the closet every single time he goes to the dry cleaners?  Yep.

Does it drive me insane when I wake in the morning and there is an empty glass still in the living room next to his ipad where he was watching TV last night?  (How hard is it to walk it to the kitchen)  Yes indeed.

Does it irritate me that our bedroom always looks like a bomb went off in it with dirty laundry, etc?  I mean he has to walk past this dirty laundry to get INTO bed at night.  Take a load down to the basement would you?  Of course it does.

Last night I left work, ran to the grocery store for this week's groceries.  Hubby picked up daughter, then dry cleaning and then salads for dinner.  He and I are unpacking said groceries when he says to me "What am I going to do for meals this weekend when you are out of town?"  Mind you I am taking our daughter WITH me out of town..so he is flying SOLO.  Yeah uh-huh that's right a completely ABLE bodied 40 year old man just asked ME what he's going to eat while I'm out of town.  I said "I guess you'll figure it out."  His reply "I am sure I can figure it out."  Thankfully---my head did NOT explode.    :)

Fast forward about 90 mins--on a week like this...when I'm trying to squeeze 5 work days into 4 since I will be out of town this weekend, on top of fighting a nasty cold, on top of the fact that my daughter's dance school has gone to a "dress code" and suddenly half her wardrobe can't be worn. 

Picture this...I am literally on the bedroom floor digging through dirty clothes looking for one of 2 leotards she can wear to class today when my dear sweet husband bellows from the other room "Honey she only has one pill left".

I immediately broke down into tears.  In my purse was her prescription that I was supposed to drop off at Walgreens on my way to the grocery store 2 hours ago.  It is now after 8.  She needs to go to bed.  I need to make her lunch, flip the laundry, FIND A LEOTARD so I can hand wash it in the sink and throw it in the dryer, get out of my work clothes since it's 8 p.m., go to the bathroom since I haven't gone since I got home, look through her folder at her homework, do the dishes and then die.  Oh wait...that last one is not allowed.  That is NOT on the agenda for today---scratch that---I have to do all these things AND go to bed at a decent hour.  Yes that is it.

This is where Super Husband swoops in wearing his magical cape.

Without any prompting from me--well maybe besides the tears--he looks up the Walgreens number, calls them, explains that we have a script, checks to see if it's in stock because they have sent us across town more than once being out of this medication, and then throws on a coat and leaves to drop off the prescription.

While he is gone, I managed to hand wash the LEOTARD (thank you God I found one), put a load in the wash, fold the load in the dryer, do the dishes, make her lunch, check her folder, put her to bed, move the Elf on the Shelf (she arrives early in our house), get out of my work clothes and heat up a cup of apple cider. 

Sounds like wife 90%, hubby 10% today huh?

By the time my husband got home I was sitting calmly NOT crying on the couch for us to watch The Voice together and it was only 8:40.

In another life one of two things would have happened; either:

A) I would have had to SCREAM at the top of my lungs "CAN I GET A LITTLE HELP HERE?"  to get any help

or

B) My husband wouldn't even get home until close to 9:30 p.m. thereby forcing me to have done all last evenings "events" completely solo including dragging my daughter out in her pjs to drop off the script at Walgreens.  (This is not a medication she can skip)

So---basically stepping up and helping his wife last night save what little sanity she has---

There was no collective "WE" last night..

Last night----

Hubby 110%

Hands down.

Yet to be determined....

So as I sat in bed last night wondering what it would be like to start blogging again; I realized a lot has changed in The Land of Blog.

There's all these different types...

Food Blog--I'm a baker but hardly a master chef.  My meals consist of the same 8-10 dishes over and over and over.

Political Blog---let's NOT even go there. I have very few friends and I'd like to keep the few I have.

Sports Blog- I'm a big sports fan...however, blogging about the lament of being a Bears Fan for the last 30 years?  Not exactly at the top  of my list.

Animal Blog---I love my beagle.  We call her Beagle.  She gets into everything, digs, barks, steals pizza off a plate if you aren't looking. She hilarious.  She's a major PITA but she's ours and she's obnoxiously cute, which I presume has kept her alive most of her life. :)

Mommy Blog--NOW this I am.  Through and through. However, I do not have 4 kids under the age of 8.  I'm not a stay at home Mom.  I'm not a homeschooler.  I'm not an all organic, no food dye advocate.  I'm just a Mom.  A Mom of a 21 year old away at school for the first time this school year and a sweet and precious 8 year old that keeps me on my toes.

I work out of the home (and I hate that I have to clarify that at all---MOMS WORK REGARDLESS).  I AM fortunate enough to not have a 13 hour day with commute time.  I work so close to home I could go home for a lunch hour if I needed to.  I have a stressful, fast paced job that keeps me guessing about how the world works pretty much every.single.day.

One child is an athlete and one is a dancer and the fact that they are the salt and pepper of my life makes ME one lucky Mama.

I guess if I had to put my blog into a category..if would fall under the Mom blogs.  I'm sure I'll blog plenty about the shenanigans of my life as a Mom.

What I'd really like to do is start my own "I have no idea what I want to say, I'm a funny, unfiltered South Suburb Chicago girl with very little boundaries and I like to tell stories--so deal with my sarcasm and rambling" category. That's ME!  That's the perfect fit.

I see all these e-cards or rotten cards on Facebook etc...and I think these are all sayings I have used at one time or another.

I had a friend that joked when I was married a few years:

Friend "Oh still married?"
Me: "Why yes we are, I haven't smothered him in his sleep or poisoned his dinner just yet"

That's an ecard now.

I've always said "I do not sugar coat shit.  It's still shit"

There's one that floats around about "Just because you put sugar on shit doesn't make it a brownie".

I say things like "Good Gravy" & "Craptacular".  I also quote a lot of movies.

I think this comes from having very little money growing up.  My Mom and I watched movies a lot to entertain the kids.  $20 used to buy 2 frozen pizzas and 3 movies back in the 80s.  WEEKEND PLANS!

Then I was a single Mom and the same thing rang true. 

My husband calls me the "Rain Woman" of celebrities.

He's got some saying  he'll use all the time "This woman knows that a woman was the on the 3rd season, episode 12 of ER and she tripped over a crub 2 minutes before the show ended."  He thinks it's hilarious that I can recognize faces like that.

But that's me...

I'm just a person with a great sense of humor, a realistic view on life, a family--that has always put the fun in dysFUNctional, a home, a MILLION responsiblities, a minivan with over 100,000 miles on it, a full time job, 2 hilarious kids and fat Beagle that snores.

If that qualifies me under the Mom blogs...so be it.

I think however, after a few weeks of blogging, the other "Moms" are going to want to kick me out of the cool group.

Stay tuned.