Big or Small shouldn't matter

So much on my mind lately..

Watching the world change before my eyes--the WHOLE world and my personal one as well...

Too many things on my mind and then one minute I realize it's time to write.

Last night I read something on Facebook that made me realize; it's time to say some things I need to say.

Nearly 3 months ago my daughter decided she wanted to venture into a fundraiser for a trip to New York. Somehow that grew into a community service project and before I knew it she wanted to set aside some of her funds for other organizations.

Look I'll never pretend to know how to become a non-for-profit and maybe it's the ADD in me but I feel like everything has it's season and is it something I would do long term.  I would love to be like the self-less people you see others do television shows about. I often wonder---WHEN DO THOSE PEOPLE SLEEP?

Then I remember I appreciate sleep and if I jumped in with both feet I a) may never sleep again b) forget what my husband looks like and c) have to quit my actual job to run a non-profit and therefore have no money...and the thought frightens me...because I was a kid with very little sometimes (at least compared to other kids). I realize as I have aged that my grandparents would never let me REALLY go without if things had gotten much worse but my childhood was less than stellar.

So here my daughter and I are--committing to baking every week to deliver to first responders, charities and other causes.  We've taken donations mostly from friends and family and bought supplies, baked, delivered and volunteered our time.  We've lost sleep (yep I admit it but not so much that I would change it) and we're proud of what we've done so far.

Does she think BIGGER? She does...heck she even made the front page of our local newspaper for her efforts.  I'll admit I was worried that might blow this thing up BIG--perhaps a local business would donate so we'd have funds for months or we'd receive so much fan mail we couldn't keep up like in Sleepless in Seattle. :)

I'm officially sad to report---we did not receive one single "unknown" donation from that exposure. Not one stranger read her article and thought "what an amazing thing let me donate $5"-yes you read that right. NOT ONE SINGLE STRANGER. (Friends and family and even the fire fighters we've donated to have been amazingly supportive)

I have never told Casey that fact. I never told her I rented a PO box to receive donations via mail. I'm not sure why I didn't tell her.  When I checked the PO box again yesterday and it was empty all I could think was "How would I lie to her every time I checked the box to find it empty again"  How could I break her spirit. 

We never wanted to go global, end up on a TV show or anything major but the amount of ridiculous things that cross my newsfeed on FB for gofundme accounts...and not one stranger thought enough of her efforts to donate to her cause.

That saddens me. 

And then there is Mike Rowe and "Returning the Favor" that I thank GOD for each and every day.  Casey and I watch this show together and discuss all the amazing things these people do. We discuss how they are usually "famous" right in their own little town because to the people they help---they are HEROS.  Selfless individuals that do amazing things.

Recently he did a show on a woman carpenter that has a camp to teach girls the construction trade--and then someone broke into her trailer and stole her brand new equipment.   Mike Rowe comments on his FB page  "to Katie and her girls and all the volunteers – don’t despair. Creeps and cretins walk among us – that will never change. But good people are always standing by to push back and make things right. You’ll see."

I emailed Mike last night and asked how we donate to Katie to help replace the things she lost.  He's since said some company has started the ball with a $5,000 donation so at times I wonder how will our $10 donation matter...the truth is --Big or Small it doesn't matter. 

When we come together to decide to make our world a better place it happens ONE gesture at a time.

I know in Casey's head she thought bigger--but the reality is this....she THOUGHT of the project at all. She put others ahead of her and with her donations she's brought baked goods to so many people. Police & Firefighters KNOW someone is thinking of them and that ripple; is a good ripple.

She's taken funds from her New York fundraiser to give back to the animal shelter, MARSOC FOUNDATION, a local homeless shelter, Suicide Prevention, The 3:11 Project (Montgomery, IL) and now she's donated to give back to Katie's "Girls Build" foundation because to her every single cause is worthy.

As long as I draw air on this earth---big or small my efforts to teach her that everyone matters--MATTERS. It matters to me, it matters to her and it matters to everyone we help BIG or SMALL.

Everyone chooses how they want to help people.

If anyone would like to donate to help replace things taken from Katie at Girls Build here is a link.
http://www.girlsbuildpdx.org/donate/

If you would like to donate to the MARSOC Foundation:
https://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/melissa-arden/marinecorpsmarathon2017

If you would like to help families this holiday season please check out The 3:11 Project:
https://www.facebook.com/The311Project/

If you would like to read more about Casey's efforts:
https://www.facebook.com/Grateful-Baker-323309101461759/

However you decide to make a difference; BIG or SMALL it matters.

It always matters.

When the Truth is Revealed

It has come to my attention that someone close to me has made remarks about me “never finishing my degree” or “never finishing something I start”.

Besides the fact that this is hurtful…it’s very untrue.

I’ve been living my WW lifestyle for over 2 years and have lost over 60lbs. Is it goal?  No it’s not but for me it’s a win.  We talk about our “why” at Weight Watchers—why you started, why you keep going and my WHY for my lifestyle hasn’t changed much in the last 2 years.

The WHY I never went back to college has changed over the years..

See my freshman year of high school in speech we had to give one on “what we wanted to be when we grew up” and my teacher said I could NOT give a speech about being a Mom.  She was adamant. My Mother argued with her as well..and finally my teacher said “if you want to care for children then pick a day care employee because you HAVE to do an interview” (Ok fine….so I walked across the parking lot of school to the Kindercare and interviewed someone) and I gave the damn speech.

What I learned from that speech was probably more valuable than anything….Motherhood was important to me.  Whether it be because I didn’t always have a great childhood, product of divorce, awesome Grandma that looked out for me…the “shining” moments with my own Mother---(you know the memories that seem forever built up WAY more than the way they actually happened) or just plain “I was born to be a Mom”  genetics…I just knew someday I would be one.

I also knew that when I became one I needed to be a good one and NOT in the June Cleaver kind of way.  It was the 90s and I was a single Mom.  Without my “village” my son’s childhood would have been one they make movies about now…poor and a statistic.  The point is I had help…many of us do from extended family. But I was him Mom….did I make mistakes? OH MY GOD you bet your ass I did---but I have always kept the lines of communication open so that he felt heard, respected and an active participant in his life.

His vs. mine---much different just by dynamics I’m the oldest of 4, he was an “only” for nearly 12 years.  He was my WHY for a few years—even though as a single Mom I probably could have gotten grants to go back—I didn’t have a passion to go learn anything enough to want to be away from him, to miss baseball games, to miss time watching movies, playing legos.  I just felt like I was gone 12 hours a day commuting to downtown Chicago how could I put him in MORE daycare and spend half my weekends doing homework for classes I didn’t really want to take?

Then I met my husband…and once we got married---finances and “daycare” would have been better and he asked me “would you like to go back to school” and AGAIN my WHY for not going was “I don’t know what I would go and get a degree in”

A short time after we got married we got pregnant with our first and my WHY shifted again to 12 hours days in the city and being away from my little girl….I just couldn’t do it.  NOTHING seemed more important than that. 

I know, I know “getting my degree would give me a better job giving them a better life financially” but the truth was----I didn’t know what I wanted to do so as a frugal, practical person spending thousands a year didn’t seem logical to me.  (Trust me if I had this undying passion to go into marketing, communications, accounting—I would have done it) but my only thought process was to be a good Mom.

I still failed at this about 50% of the time because I’m fucking human.

Yep that’s right---human.  Even us super Moms are human.

So once again my why---changes—because before I know it my SON is getting his degree and well finances being what they are in 2012-2016 uh---no way 2 of us can afford to go to college…(again NOT that I have some burning passion to get there)

Now he’s done, he’s moved to another state and you think “Is now a good time?” but now you’re 43 and your whole outlook on life has changed…now it should be about finances---I have a good JOB—I do not have a career---I haven’t built one---I’ve had JOBS and for me—that’s a win.  But I have no degree and if I look to relocate finding GOOD jobs that will take you without a degree is not always easy---so do I get one for good measure? DO I know what I want to do? I initially way back in my teens thought about being a psychologist---do I go back to be a counselor? Maybe. Then I remember thinking about Casey in the NICU and how much those nurses changed my life—“hmmmm maybe nursing school” I have toyed with the idea…I even registered at the junior college to get started and then put it off this January because to be honest---it’s finances again.  It’s low self-esteem (and not in the “I’m afraid I’ll fail” kind of way but more in a “if life happens and I have to take a semester off I don’t want to be the bitter Mom because I put myself on the back burner again”) I don’t want to be THAT Mom.  That Mom that feels like she missed out on something because of her kids or her husband or her family.

I have and ALWAYS will continue to put them first. It’s how I am built…and to be honest some days there is a mix of “I’m terrified it’ll be too much and I’ll turn into Godzilla at home and my daughter will hate me and my husband will grow distant” and TRUTHFULLY my WHY is not strong enough to take that chance.

Is my degree so important that I need to take my family through what would be a crazy 4 -5 year roller coaster? 

To me—it is not.

We often see in media things about 80 yr olds finishing marathons or getting their degrees…and we celebrate them.

So if I choose to put it off until it means as much to me as what I already DO---then I know it’ll be time to go. The practicality of it is—we eventually want to move out Illinois and relocate and starting at the bottom at a new job scares me—but without my degree that’s probably what will happen.  My answer to that is—I made a CHOICE a long time ago to put my family first and I have lived with that decision without regret ever since.

There are super Moms---and I mean it I raise my glass..you have babies, you work, you finish your masters, you go back to school, you work , you travel---HELL my sister is one of them..she’s a fucking rock star…my other sister has 2 kids AND a degree AND a career …I’m proud of them both beyond measure. 

I can handle a LOT---what I can’t handle is regret…and MY situation is unique to me…my kids aren’t little…and even when my youngest was---my oldest wasn’t…so my “windows” of opportunity were much smaller and I personally don’t like tight spaces.

So to that person….that said these things about me..

I still soldier on everyday—I talk to my 24 year old no less than 3-4 times a week about stuff in his life. Things that are going on, he calls for advice, he calls for laughs, he calls when he got a GREAT deal at the Ross store because Mama taught him to be practical (this one was pretty recent and equally impressive) he calls for “Mama Love” because sometimes a boy just needs his Mama.. J I text and chat with his girlfriend. I am very much a part of their lives even grown and on his own..it is a foundation I wanted to build--- for some day I will have grandchildren.

My 11 year old…well for her I am “PRESENT” and I do mean PRESENT in her life..I’m not distracted by a class or homework or worrying how I am going to split myself in 2 places at once.  It was a decision Jeff and I made when we got married—he got the career and although I have never been a stay at home Mom I have had jobs that are always replaceable because I need to raise my family.

The hardest part is this---this is person that is supposed to love me regardless of my choices---it’s not as though I have turned out the bad seed, right?

I think I am a pretty good person…imperfect, flawed, baggage carrying, emotional , stubborn hot mess of a good person.

I have tons of educators in my family that value education and learning and think it’s important…I do too…but for me---I still want to be JUST a Mom for right now…I know someday that won’t be enough…I still want to start school this summer just to see if the “learning “ bug does bite hard and I realize there is something else I want to learn with passion. If it does--my WHY will change again, and that's ok.

I guess I’d like to go back to the beginning and have this person say “your choices are your choices and I’m proud of you no matter what” but clearly that is not going to happen.  It’s a hurt I’ll deal with in time.

But to the “Angie never finishes anything she start”

I apologize for being such a disappointment in your life.

I chose Motherhood

I CHOOSE Motherhood

I am still a Mother---despite my oldest being “grown”

I am still an involved Mother- day in and day out

Despite being 44 I have not reverted back to my 20s and become carefree as if my family doesn't still need things from me.  They may not NEED me the way they once did--but we all still need each other.

“Angie never finishes anything she starts”

I didn’t realize parenthood ever stopped?

I choose them with no regrets.

Borderline Normal

There comes a time in your life that you look back at things and you realize how all the dots connect. The chaos and the sweetness to your life that at first glance look like graffiti but when you look closer--you see it's a work of art---in all it's flawed glory.

For the first time in 5 years Casey scored at the "borderline normal" range for her short term memory quiz. I know this sounds absolutely crazy to some but she can essentially be Dory from Finding Nemo ...at times. A diagnosis none of us wanted to hear in 2011 but it is clear as day when you talk to her sometimes.

She talked to the doctor alone for a good 20 mins. Then she chats with the nurse and I get to talk to the doctor alone. Today he didn't ask me how she was doing from "Mom's Eyes" he said and I quote "That girl spent 18 of the 20 mins talking about dance. She's in transition but this I will say--she smiled, she laughed, she cried and then with a confidence I have never seen in her she said this (and he played back the tape for me).

What I heard come from my daughter brought me to tears. "Miss Jenny tells me all the time "YOU GOT THIS" and I believe her. My silver team has my back even when we get on each other's nerves and the whole COMPANY like 40 girls all try to be friends. If I'm sad or worried someone always asks me if I'm ok. They help me with the choreography and remind me I can do it. They are like family to me. I want so much to have the little girls look up to me and I hope some day they do. I know I'm not the best dancer but I'm better than ever before because of Miss Jenny's Dreams"
I had to make him stop the recorder. I was in tears. Took me a good few minutes before I could hear her finish talking about her teammates and what she loves and what makes her happy and where she knows she struggles. The doctor goes on to say "all that choreography can help her brain retrain itself some and clearly it's working..not to mention she probably destresses a little there and overall it's NOTHING but good for her"

People often complain about the cost of their kid's hobbies. The expense of something that to them doesn't seem a worthwhile cause.

Dance isn't about competitions or winning medals. Don't get me wrong-- you want to see the kids rewarded for their hard work but for Casey it essentially is part of her therapy. It is the biggest part of where she draws her confidence from and even when I can see her "sitting" out aside from her team -- the lonely one it's because she's watching, taking it in and sometimes it's because she is LITERALLY doing her dance in her head before it's time to take the stage.

Today I left Lurie's Children's Hospital with a good cry, a new perspective and nothing but gratitude for Dreams and every single person that is involved in it.

Our "normal" is so different from everyone else's but for the first time in a long time..."borderline" normal felt amazing.

I honestly can't express my gratitude.

Most Wonderful Time of the Year?????

There are days I question this description. 

Days when I'm stressed about where to put the Elf on the Shelf; days when I can't figure out how I am going to finish purchasing gifts let ALONE wrap them; bake, take my daughter to see some type of lights display; watch all the favorite holiday shows and still go to bed at a decent hour.

Every other year my immune system decides to go on strike and I usually have the nastiest head cold of "20xx" (insert random year here).

Yet still I forge on with a 1/2 happy heart. Attempting to make Christmas everything magical for my family especially the ever growing 10 year old.

I've developed strength in the last 2 years, perspective, persistence and a new attitude courtesy of Elsa and Anna that makes me feel like Sybil.

One minute I'm all zen and "Screw that, let that shit go and do your own thing---no one will notice if you don't bake 10 dozen sugar cookies this year or even spell names correctly on the gift tags" feeling 10 feet tall and bullet proof when I say it like I LEGIT have my shit together...

30 seconds later---I'm a crying mess of a Mom creating 17 pinterest boards, scheduling no more than 2 hours of sleep for every night from now til December 26th so I can bake, cook, craft, wrap and basically be Suzy Q Holiday Snowflake even though---I get zero joy out of it plus the hell head cold from burning the candle at both ends.

So this year 2015---is the year I take my mental health and well being back.

As of today:

I have already contacted another Mom to ask if she's doing a teacher collection
--cash donation --Check

I have scheduled Zoo Light Night with one of my best friends and her family
--Check

I have semi-decided on a day for ice skating and lights (which both my kids adore)
--Check

I have a day for my son and I to watch our annual Holiday Movie
--Check

I have made my "baking" list and taken it down from 10 varieties to possibly 3
--People love my banana bread --Check

I have found out that my family moved up Christmas to accommodate us all being in the same state
--Awesome and not--gotta be ready a week earlier but now a low key Christmas Eve--check

I have decided gift bags are my friend
--Simple as shit--check

My holidays this year will be about our traditions.  Not about what I bake, or how many parties we attend or what the presents looked like--or even what they are.  I won't worry about place settings or napkin designs or any of that stuff---truth be told I do not care if we eat pizza from the box as long as my family is together.

This year it will be about my family, my friends and my moments that I KNOW I can't get back. 

So this year...will be the most wonderful time of the year because I choose hope and joy.

Inspiration in Obvious Places

Sometimes I'm not witty enough for a comeback in the drive thru when someone is being a complete douche nozzle so trying to keep up with a blog seems daunting. I am not that funny...(my husband would love that because he's a lot like Chandler from Friends--he has to be the funny one)

Then I remember...I'm me---

I work 60+ hours, have a pre-teen daughter, a grown son, an ex-husband, cray cray running through my veins and I run a Weight Watcher forum with 30,000+ members...I CAN do this.

There was a text I got from my sister--which by the way is her own version of hot mess...but she's a BADASS!  Love you Shannon...

and also a good sweet friend from my childhood to remind me that I may not be the funniest, smartest or logical person at any given time but I am me, I am worthy and I have something to say. 

You'll scroll down this blog to see there isn't much there..I go in and out.  Over the last few years I had a very ALL or NOTHING mentality.  If I couldn't give 100% and blog nearly everyday then it wasn't worth it.

Guess what, not so much anymore.

I will simply blog as I see fit.

I talk a good game on my Facebook about raising a "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar" daughter.  Over the last year I have developed into a good example of that...in certain places...perhaps this blog is the next step.

So you--yeah you---go out there and don't forget to be awesome!  Even if you get 2 steps and go flying flat on your face. 

Do your thing, be you and even if you reach just ONE person ---you make a difference.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

"Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" --My Mom used to say this to me LONG before it became a Book about it all being small stuff...and to some extent it is true.

If you have an income, your health and your family is safe---everything else should be secondary.

However, so many of us get so caught up in that first one that everything else falls to second, third, fourth...and so on down the line.

I recently started following : http://www.handsfreemama.com/

She is awesome to read.

She reposted to her FB account a blog about summer and contracts and "being in the moment" along with a list compiled BY other kids of things they wanted from their parents.

I read it this morning.

I had a good cry.

You see those memes float around FB "Behind every great kid is a Mom pretty sure she's screwing it up"

That is me.

A lot.

We make commitments in the best interest of our kids.  Soccer, baseball, dance, play dates assuming it is always what is best for them. Engagement, activities, social experiences.

Sometimes and MOST of the time--what is best for them is US; their family. Their parents dialed into them. Listening to them.  Yes, even when they are repeating a story for the 7th time.  Even when it's Fish Hooks cartoons you have seen 10,000 times if you ask "Can we watch something together?"

One thing on this list from kids was:

"At dinner talk about what we could do together on the weekend"

I get to admit a huge failure on my part.  Well partially on me.  We have a very small house. A house I love and adore but it is a very small T-shaped galley kitchen.  Their is not enough room for even a small breakfast nook type table.  We recently put a desk there to make it an area we all use but there is no place to sit down and eat dinner as a family.  For the summer when it's nice out we can and DO sit out on our patio furniture and eat around the table and talk.  The rest of the year NOT SO MUCH.

I feel like I should have come up with some awesome idea to rectify this situation.  Some high tech moving wall where furniture appears from the floor like in the Jetsons cartoons.  Some crazy crafty idea from Pinterest (although I feel incredibly intimidated by that site with all my shortcomings).

I realize I have nothing. In the 7 years we've lived in this house we rarely eat dinner as a family around a table.  I suppose we've all gotten used to it but as a Mom I struggle with this.  I slave fairly hard in the kitchen to make awesome dinners and well--- I feel like I should get to look in the face of the people enjoying it while they are eating it.

This has been bothering me for some time.

This is something I need to try and figure out a way to fix.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite TV shows where the family met for dinner once a week, every week-no matter what.  Perhaps that is something we could consider.  Something where we take turns selecting what's for dinner, making the dinner...just once a week.

But then the perfectionist in my head says "Is once a week enough?"  I mean we're not some big family of 7.  Most of the time it's just the 3 of us.  With Kyle away at school that's the way it is.  Is once a week for a sit down dinner enough?  No tv, no phones, nothing to distract us if we went out to eat. Just us and dinner.  Quality time.

Then the planner in me says "with hubby's work schedule can we stick with it"  the worst feeling in the world is giving up on something before you really get to it.  I feel worse trying and failing than if I just sat on the sidelines in denial.    Can we stick with it? 

The flip side of my planner type A says 'Well we can move the big chair in the living room back, bring in the big card table and YES..have a family meal"  This production could happen once a week, why not?

Then I go back to "Can we stick with it?"

Then I re-read the blog, look at a picture of my daughter on my desk at work--then a picture of my son both of them staring down birthdays of age 9 and age 22 respectively and I think..."We HAVE to try" 

Time went so fast with my son and it's time I'll never get back.

I need to make not just summer "low key" and family oriented but I need to make more memories during the hustle and bustle of the school year or I'm going to be sitting here 10 years from realizing " I blew it".

My kids...whatever their ages..deserve more time.

Just one question....

Have you seen me and Wonder Woman in the same place at the same time?

The answer is no.

Want to know why?

I am not Wonder Woman.

I'm me.

I'm a Mom that dreads parent teacher conference because I'm worried I might drop the F-bomb.
I'm a wife that feels like she can't do enough to be there for her husband.
I'm a sister with siblings that I feel like I barely talk to, barely see and miss their laughter.
I'm a full time worker that puts in so much time I feel like I live there.
I'm a daughter with parents that live out of state and I miss them every.single.day.

I see these e-cards all over the internet:

"I am woman, hear me roar"
"I kick butt in heels, who's next?'

And I look around for my invisible jet to hop in and have it fly my ass back to reality.

Want to know why?

I feel like a failure as a human being about 2 out of 7 days a week.

• Like when I forget to send my daughter's reading log back to school.
• Or when I have to ask my husband to pick up dinner on his way home because I haven't been to the store.
• Sunday nights when I realize the whole weekend went by and I never called my brother to tell him I love him.
• When I write myself a "to do" list at work and at the end of the day I realize I  only got 2 things done.
• Or when I spend a whole weekend with my Mom and the minute she leaves I realize once again I didn't take a picture of her and I together.

I have friends that are super excited for the holidays.  People that planned way ahead and have their trees up, their lights up, travel plans, cooking for 10, etc.

I'm lucky if come Thanksgiving morning I can find 2 matching socks.

I don't have a baby -I have a son in college and an 8 year old that dresses herself, feeds herself, completely self-sufficient.  So why is it such a challenge to get things accomplished?

I have a book I started a month ago---it never takes me this long to read a book.  Especially not one from my favorite author.

I'm not Wonder Woman.

Sometimes it takes every ounce of energy I have to get through some weeks without getting take out every night of the week.

I have learned to embrace me in all my flawed glory.  My scars, my fears, my imperfections.

I'm a Mom that would lay down my life for  my kids.
I'm a wife that loves her husband more today than I did the day I married him.
I'm a sister that will talk off anyone's ear that will listen about how AMAZING my siblings are.
I'm a full time worker that works ridiculously hard for her company to the point of exhaustion.
I'm a daughter from incredible parents that I owe everything I am to their amazing examples, their support, their love and their direction---even when I fought their guidance.

I'm not Wonder Woman.

I'm just me and today I've decided; that I am good enough.