Big or Small shouldn't matter

So much on my mind lately..

Watching the world change before my eyes--the WHOLE world and my personal one as well...

Too many things on my mind and then one minute I realize it's time to write.

Last night I read something on Facebook that made me realize; it's time to say some things I need to say.

Nearly 3 months ago my daughter decided she wanted to venture into a fundraiser for a trip to New York. Somehow that grew into a community service project and before I knew it she wanted to set aside some of her funds for other organizations.

Look I'll never pretend to know how to become a non-for-profit and maybe it's the ADD in me but I feel like everything has it's season and is it something I would do long term.  I would love to be like the self-less people you see others do television shows about. I often wonder---WHEN DO THOSE PEOPLE SLEEP?

Then I remember I appreciate sleep and if I jumped in with both feet I a) may never sleep again b) forget what my husband looks like and c) have to quit my actual job to run a non-profit and therefore have no money...and the thought frightens me...because I was a kid with very little sometimes (at least compared to other kids). I realize as I have aged that my grandparents would never let me REALLY go without if things had gotten much worse but my childhood was less than stellar.

So here my daughter and I are--committing to baking every week to deliver to first responders, charities and other causes.  We've taken donations mostly from friends and family and bought supplies, baked, delivered and volunteered our time.  We've lost sleep (yep I admit it but not so much that I would change it) and we're proud of what we've done so far.

Does she think BIGGER? She does...heck she even made the front page of our local newspaper for her efforts.  I'll admit I was worried that might blow this thing up BIG--perhaps a local business would donate so we'd have funds for months or we'd receive so much fan mail we couldn't keep up like in Sleepless in Seattle. :)

I'm officially sad to report---we did not receive one single "unknown" donation from that exposure. Not one stranger read her article and thought "what an amazing thing let me donate $5"-yes you read that right. NOT ONE SINGLE STRANGER. (Friends and family and even the fire fighters we've donated to have been amazingly supportive)

I have never told Casey that fact. I never told her I rented a PO box to receive donations via mail. I'm not sure why I didn't tell her.  When I checked the PO box again yesterday and it was empty all I could think was "How would I lie to her every time I checked the box to find it empty again"  How could I break her spirit. 

We never wanted to go global, end up on a TV show or anything major but the amount of ridiculous things that cross my newsfeed on FB for gofundme accounts...and not one stranger thought enough of her efforts to donate to her cause.

That saddens me. 

And then there is Mike Rowe and "Returning the Favor" that I thank GOD for each and every day.  Casey and I watch this show together and discuss all the amazing things these people do. We discuss how they are usually "famous" right in their own little town because to the people they help---they are HEROS.  Selfless individuals that do amazing things.

Recently he did a show on a woman carpenter that has a camp to teach girls the construction trade--and then someone broke into her trailer and stole her brand new equipment.   Mike Rowe comments on his FB page  "to Katie and her girls and all the volunteers – don’t despair. Creeps and cretins walk among us – that will never change. But good people are always standing by to push back and make things right. You’ll see."

I emailed Mike last night and asked how we donate to Katie to help replace the things she lost.  He's since said some company has started the ball with a $5,000 donation so at times I wonder how will our $10 donation matter...the truth is --Big or Small it doesn't matter. 

When we come together to decide to make our world a better place it happens ONE gesture at a time.

I know in Casey's head she thought bigger--but the reality is this....she THOUGHT of the project at all. She put others ahead of her and with her donations she's brought baked goods to so many people. Police & Firefighters KNOW someone is thinking of them and that ripple; is a good ripple.

She's taken funds from her New York fundraiser to give back to the animal shelter, MARSOC FOUNDATION, a local homeless shelter, Suicide Prevention, The 3:11 Project (Montgomery, IL) and now she's donated to give back to Katie's "Girls Build" foundation because to her every single cause is worthy.

As long as I draw air on this earth---big or small my efforts to teach her that everyone matters--MATTERS. It matters to me, it matters to her and it matters to everyone we help BIG or SMALL.

Everyone chooses how they want to help people.

If anyone would like to donate to help replace things taken from Katie at Girls Build here is a link.
http://www.girlsbuildpdx.org/donate/

If you would like to donate to the MARSOC Foundation:
https://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/melissa-arden/marinecorpsmarathon2017

If you would like to help families this holiday season please check out The 3:11 Project:
https://www.facebook.com/The311Project/

If you would like to read more about Casey's efforts:
https://www.facebook.com/Grateful-Baker-323309101461759/

However you decide to make a difference; BIG or SMALL it matters.

It always matters.

When the Truth is Revealed

It has come to my attention that someone close to me has made remarks about me “never finishing my degree” or “never finishing something I start”.

Besides the fact that this is hurtful…it’s very untrue.

I’ve been living my WW lifestyle for over 2 years and have lost over 60lbs. Is it goal?  No it’s not but for me it’s a win.  We talk about our “why” at Weight Watchers—why you started, why you keep going and my WHY for my lifestyle hasn’t changed much in the last 2 years.

The WHY I never went back to college has changed over the years..

See my freshman year of high school in speech we had to give one on “what we wanted to be when we grew up” and my teacher said I could NOT give a speech about being a Mom.  She was adamant. My Mother argued with her as well..and finally my teacher said “if you want to care for children then pick a day care employee because you HAVE to do an interview” (Ok fine….so I walked across the parking lot of school to the Kindercare and interviewed someone) and I gave the damn speech.

What I learned from that speech was probably more valuable than anything….Motherhood was important to me.  Whether it be because I didn’t always have a great childhood, product of divorce, awesome Grandma that looked out for me…the “shining” moments with my own Mother---(you know the memories that seem forever built up WAY more than the way they actually happened) or just plain “I was born to be a Mom”  genetics…I just knew someday I would be one.

I also knew that when I became one I needed to be a good one and NOT in the June Cleaver kind of way.  It was the 90s and I was a single Mom.  Without my “village” my son’s childhood would have been one they make movies about now…poor and a statistic.  The point is I had help…many of us do from extended family. But I was him Mom….did I make mistakes? OH MY GOD you bet your ass I did---but I have always kept the lines of communication open so that he felt heard, respected and an active participant in his life.

His vs. mine---much different just by dynamics I’m the oldest of 4, he was an “only” for nearly 12 years.  He was my WHY for a few years—even though as a single Mom I probably could have gotten grants to go back—I didn’t have a passion to go learn anything enough to want to be away from him, to miss baseball games, to miss time watching movies, playing legos.  I just felt like I was gone 12 hours a day commuting to downtown Chicago how could I put him in MORE daycare and spend half my weekends doing homework for classes I didn’t really want to take?

Then I met my husband…and once we got married---finances and “daycare” would have been better and he asked me “would you like to go back to school” and AGAIN my WHY for not going was “I don’t know what I would go and get a degree in”

A short time after we got married we got pregnant with our first and my WHY shifted again to 12 hours days in the city and being away from my little girl….I just couldn’t do it.  NOTHING seemed more important than that. 

I know, I know “getting my degree would give me a better job giving them a better life financially” but the truth was----I didn’t know what I wanted to do so as a frugal, practical person spending thousands a year didn’t seem logical to me.  (Trust me if I had this undying passion to go into marketing, communications, accounting—I would have done it) but my only thought process was to be a good Mom.

I still failed at this about 50% of the time because I’m fucking human.

Yep that’s right---human.  Even us super Moms are human.

So once again my why---changes—because before I know it my SON is getting his degree and well finances being what they are in 2012-2016 uh---no way 2 of us can afford to go to college…(again NOT that I have some burning passion to get there)

Now he’s done, he’s moved to another state and you think “Is now a good time?” but now you’re 43 and your whole outlook on life has changed…now it should be about finances---I have a good JOB—I do not have a career---I haven’t built one---I’ve had JOBS and for me—that’s a win.  But I have no degree and if I look to relocate finding GOOD jobs that will take you without a degree is not always easy---so do I get one for good measure? DO I know what I want to do? I initially way back in my teens thought about being a psychologist---do I go back to be a counselor? Maybe. Then I remember thinking about Casey in the NICU and how much those nurses changed my life—“hmmmm maybe nursing school” I have toyed with the idea…I even registered at the junior college to get started and then put it off this January because to be honest---it’s finances again.  It’s low self-esteem (and not in the “I’m afraid I’ll fail” kind of way but more in a “if life happens and I have to take a semester off I don’t want to be the bitter Mom because I put myself on the back burner again”) I don’t want to be THAT Mom.  That Mom that feels like she missed out on something because of her kids or her husband or her family.

I have and ALWAYS will continue to put them first. It’s how I am built…and to be honest some days there is a mix of “I’m terrified it’ll be too much and I’ll turn into Godzilla at home and my daughter will hate me and my husband will grow distant” and TRUTHFULLY my WHY is not strong enough to take that chance.

Is my degree so important that I need to take my family through what would be a crazy 4 -5 year roller coaster? 

To me—it is not.

We often see in media things about 80 yr olds finishing marathons or getting their degrees…and we celebrate them.

So if I choose to put it off until it means as much to me as what I already DO---then I know it’ll be time to go. The practicality of it is—we eventually want to move out Illinois and relocate and starting at the bottom at a new job scares me—but without my degree that’s probably what will happen.  My answer to that is—I made a CHOICE a long time ago to put my family first and I have lived with that decision without regret ever since.

There are super Moms---and I mean it I raise my glass..you have babies, you work, you finish your masters, you go back to school, you work , you travel---HELL my sister is one of them..she’s a fucking rock star…my other sister has 2 kids AND a degree AND a career …I’m proud of them both beyond measure. 

I can handle a LOT---what I can’t handle is regret…and MY situation is unique to me…my kids aren’t little…and even when my youngest was---my oldest wasn’t…so my “windows” of opportunity were much smaller and I personally don’t like tight spaces.

So to that person….that said these things about me..

I still soldier on everyday—I talk to my 24 year old no less than 3-4 times a week about stuff in his life. Things that are going on, he calls for advice, he calls for laughs, he calls when he got a GREAT deal at the Ross store because Mama taught him to be practical (this one was pretty recent and equally impressive) he calls for “Mama Love” because sometimes a boy just needs his Mama.. J I text and chat with his girlfriend. I am very much a part of their lives even grown and on his own..it is a foundation I wanted to build--- for some day I will have grandchildren.

My 11 year old…well for her I am “PRESENT” and I do mean PRESENT in her life..I’m not distracted by a class or homework or worrying how I am going to split myself in 2 places at once.  It was a decision Jeff and I made when we got married—he got the career and although I have never been a stay at home Mom I have had jobs that are always replaceable because I need to raise my family.

The hardest part is this---this is person that is supposed to love me regardless of my choices---it’s not as though I have turned out the bad seed, right?

I think I am a pretty good person…imperfect, flawed, baggage carrying, emotional , stubborn hot mess of a good person.

I have tons of educators in my family that value education and learning and think it’s important…I do too…but for me---I still want to be JUST a Mom for right now…I know someday that won’t be enough…I still want to start school this summer just to see if the “learning “ bug does bite hard and I realize there is something else I want to learn with passion. If it does--my WHY will change again, and that's ok.

I guess I’d like to go back to the beginning and have this person say “your choices are your choices and I’m proud of you no matter what” but clearly that is not going to happen.  It’s a hurt I’ll deal with in time.

But to the “Angie never finishes anything she start”

I apologize for being such a disappointment in your life.

I chose Motherhood

I CHOOSE Motherhood

I am still a Mother---despite my oldest being “grown”

I am still an involved Mother- day in and day out

Despite being 44 I have not reverted back to my 20s and become carefree as if my family doesn't still need things from me.  They may not NEED me the way they once did--but we all still need each other.

“Angie never finishes anything she starts”

I didn’t realize parenthood ever stopped?

I choose them with no regrets.